How To Convert Your Family To Socialism During The Christmas Monopoly Game

The worst-case scenario has come true. Grandpa Joe has decided to ruin Christmas day by pulling out the Monopoly board and insisting you enjoy a game as a family.

You’re unsure why he did this because he shows no interest in board games the other 364 days of the year, something proven by the fact that the board still has Uncle Steve’s blood on it from last year. Alas, none of you have the heart to turn the offer down, and your Mom vowed to cut you out of her will if you ever give the “Monopoly is badly designed” lecture again. So, you’re stuck staring down the barrel of eight hours of dice rolling, property trading, and viscous family arguments.

But don’t be disheartened. While the family Monopoly game may seem like punishment, in reality, it is a blessing in disguise because the family Monopoly game allows you to sow the seeds of socialism in the minds of your family members.

Point Out How Little The Rich Work

I know Monopoly was based on The Landlord’s Game.

You know that Monopoly was based on The Landlord’s Game.

Grandma does not know that.

So, when Grandma is hit by a sudden doctor’s fee and is forced to decide if she should mortgage New York Avenue or Pennsylvania Avenue, draw attention to how the leading player, Mom, isn’t paying attention to the game.

While everyone else is desperately scrounging for money and trying to work out how to make ends meet, Mom is playing with the cat or checking her phone. As the game continues, note that Mom doesn’t think quickly as her riches enable her to live a bourgeoisie lifestyle. Mom doesn’t have to worry about the spaces she lands on or the cards she gets because Mom survives off the rent she rips from the hands of the other hard-working players.

Constantly Spread Class Consciousness

One of Monopoly’s most prominent issues is that once a player gets decently far ahead, other characters can’t catch up with them, meaning that the game is often decided several hours before it actually ends. Because of this, the best way to keep a Monopoly game interesting is for every other player to gang up on the currently leading player to make sure they don’t build up an insurmountable lead.

This acts as a fantastic metaphor for class consciousness. Constantly remind the other players at the table that taking down the wealthiest player is in your shared interest and that the player in the lead is not your friend because they are only interested in enriching themselves, showing they prove by taking rent from you and refusing to hand over their Get Out Of Jail free card.

Remind Them How Good It Feels To Defeat Their Oppressors

Everyone loves a good underdog story. Nothing is better than seeing the plucky, down on their luck hero rise up the ranks and overcome the big villain. And what is the inevitable uprising of the working if not the biggest underdog story ever told?

So, when one player (likely Uncle Frank, the only man to be kicked out of a Las Vegas casino because the manager pitied him) falls into last place, make your goal to help them in any way you can. Then, as everyone celebrates his come-from-behind victory at the end of the game, remind them that the bigger the opponent, the better the victory feels. Taking down Mom was fun, but imagine how good it would feel to defeat the owner of your local multinational corporation.

Show How The Neo-Liberal Consensus Is Unable To Defend Itself

Cousin Louise’s low bladder capacity is well-known within the family because Uncle Phil brings it up whenever she goes to the bathroom at a family function. Combine this with the five glasses of Lidl sparkling wine she’s had, and she’s excusing herself every fifteen minutes.

However, this can be used to your advantage. At the start of the game, push for Louise to be the Banker. Then, when everyone becomes frustrated by her constant bathroom breaks, point out how you, as a group, could effortlessly take over the Banker role while she is away. When they inevitably agree with you, hoping to make the game end before the New Year, quickly take over the task while noting that you don’t need her to distribute the money. Once you’ve done it, make sure to point out how much more efficient this process is when you work as a collective and how Louise couldn’t stop your collective from taking over the system before loudly questioning if the same is true of real banks.

Slip The Manifesto Into Conversation

The one advantage of Monopoly’s boring mechanics and painful length is that there is plenty of time to chat during the game. So, in the few moments of silence between Uncle Bob’s offensive joke de jour and Cousin Linda’s story about their vacation in Tallahassee, drop in a few choice quotes from the Communist Manifesto.

While it is best to try and tie the quote into what is happening, this is not necessary, especially once the game enters the third hour, as by that point, very few people will be listening, meaning that the quotes double as subliminal messages.

While it may seem tough, if you follow these tips to the letter, you can look forward to a red Christmas next year.